So, not so long ago, this educational and family friendly video game came out, called GTA V. It was very popular and shit, and Fuckstar (the company who made it) made a lot of moolah because of it. And these guys, like any games company worthy of its name, used the moolah to pay Gaben to let them use this wonder of technology and science to make a port: a Personal Computer. Yeah, amazing, I know.
Anyway, FS actually did a good job on the port, despite some problems at launch (some people refused to find their own oil supply in the Middle East to power the machine of heaven. Bunch of assholes), and I, je, eu, ich, watashi wa, decided to give it a try.
The thing is, my legitimate copy of the game was, unfortunately, cursed.
Hence this pasta:
I booted up the game, and I noticed I was late to my fapping session, so I went to McDonalds. When I came back, energized but depressed, I noticed I had completed all the missions, had the maximum amount of greenies, a car made out of hot chicks and eliminated all the evil from the world. "Huh," said I, "well, at least I can mess around for a bit before I start a new game." So I played exactly one game of tennis before I got bored and went to the menu. I clicked "Start new game", but instead of starting a new game, Trans-klin, The Boss idiot IV, the character I was playing as, died. It respawned me inside a hospital, where Trans was talking to a hot nurse who was saying he fell victim to the current Super Ebola outbreak, but Ed, Edd & Eddy were patrolling the street where he was and revived him. Trans then walked out the hospital and I gained control over him again. I was walking up the streets and, occasionaly, I would see civilians falling over dead in a very dramatic way. It was a spooky sight, so I kicked a dead guy's ass to make me feel better and happy with my life. However, the guy ressurected as a skeleton, so I kicked him in his boney ass nuts. As a result, Trans broke his foot and died in agonizing pain.
Then I remembered I had two characters left. I switched to MyCuddleFish, The God of 80’s Cheesy Rock Music. It transitioned to him yelling satanic spells in traffic and then jumping out of his car, while it bursted up in flames, and landing in a Toys ‘R’ Us strip club. I walked out, and found myself in the middle of a road. I then decided that the best course of action would be to punch the guy taking his dog for a walk. It turns out that guy was Arnold Schwazenegger, who immediately bitch slapped me to hell, while saying one of his famous one-liners: “You have disturbed my canine companion with your feminine-like violence, giving me the need to cause physical harm to you, myesteemed pedophilic, mentally disabled and homosexual individual. You are also the source of an intoxicating arm pit odor”. Right after, I ended up in hell, where I was haunted terribly by Satan poking me with a stick. I also saw my whole family giving Hitler a blowjob.
Pissing myself, I switched to Treadmillor, The Not-So Friendly Neighborhood Drug User. He was standing in a pier, reciting Edgar Allan Poe's “The Raven” to some children and a goat. After he finished, the children raised their hands to ask questions, so he picked up a nightstick (the best weapon in the game, BTW. Fucking OP) and beat the crap out of them. The sound of their screams were replaced by JonTron’s “ECH”. Tread then decided to put his wiener in the goat, which transitioned into a suprisingly above par “fucking a goat” minigame. After he came, he proposed to the goat, and it accepted. They lived happily for 2 years, but Tread was having some problems at work and with his Johnson, so the goat filed for divorce. Tread, feeling depressed, ate more Lays® fries than he could handle, and choked with his own vomit. The goat died of natural causes by a headshot wound, two weeks later. The game then shut itself down, along with my computer.
That was the scariest, spookiest and strangest experience I’ve ever witnessed, and any thought of wanting another human being to experience what I lived through would be classified as terrorism. So, I’m getting rid of the game the best way I can think of: Ebay.
So remember, kids, if a game makes you feel unconfortable or weird, you play it to the end, and everything will sort itself out.
With love,
Hitler
xxx